Yeah, but...

... you can't say that right Marv, cause you don't know nuffin, so shuttup! Anyway, what happened right was that you know Tom and Anna? Well they found a tampon in the toilets in The Hare and so Anna put it in Jerome's jacket pocket and he like completely had an eppy and turned up to Clare's party with a pen knife that he nicked from his Dad's shed and stabbed big Dan. But anyway Helen gave Jerome a blowy in the kitchen for a bite of his Cornetto. Anyway I didn't do nuffin because I was with Ann the whole time because she was crying because you know Dave? Well he was supposed to be goin down the park with her to go to third base. But anyway Jerome, who I once got off with as a joke, nicked a whole bottle of Remy Martin off Tom's mum and hid it in the woods behind The Hare but then he couldn’t find it, but then he did find it, but then he didn’t like it so he threw it at a family of gypos.

Sorry about the Vicky Pollardesque last post

It was a bit "yeah but, no but"

An unfortunate misunderstanding caused by wayward knickers leads to mistrust and suspicion

Jerome's friend H slept with her boyfriend T in Jerome's bed and happened to leave a pair of her knickers in his bed. This convinced Jerome's girlfriend A that H and Jerome had been having an affair.

Lordy, Jerome was in trouble.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

A few more Jerome facts - or are they?

Jerome studied French and German at school.

Jerome would like to run his own pub.

Jerome used to have blond hair.

According to Jerome, if you don't like the Matrix, you don't understand it.

One of Jerome's favourite films is Baz Luhrmann's William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I think he sees himself in the Mercutio role.

Jerome does not read novels.

Jerome would like to go to Stratford and see a play by Shakespeare.

Jerome has never read this blog.

Jerome enjoys giving parties.

Jerome is in touch with his feminine side.

Jerome likes eating lobster.

Jerome's favourite drink is port.

Jerome has a toy monkey called Tyson.

Jerome has never read The Lord of the Rings but he liked the film.

Jerome likes INXS and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Jerome has an earring.

Anyone else fancy posting a few Jerome facts?

King of the Road!

Trailer for sale or rent, rooms to let fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets, I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah but two hours of pushin' broom buys and eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means, king of the road

Newsflash: Jerome has left his job

Jerome left his job on Friday. They have employed him for 9 years. They will be banjaxed without him. He's working in the Green Dragon all next week and then he's getting some agency work before coming to Brum. But South Africa beckons too. What will he do? Will he make it to Brum?

Anyway, raise a glass to the old bugger, cos leaving a job after that long is a bit of an achievement.

The joys of Bailey Rd

Many years ago, certain people who have written on this blog shared a house with Jerome. I want to share some happy memories of that joyous place.

The green low-slung, sexy sofa (I stole this line from Steve)
The overflowing ashtrays
The lifesize model of Posh Spice
The beer fridge
The scum in the washing-up bowl
The postcard I wrote to Jerome that was carefully placed in front of the toilet. He couldn't read my writing so he put it there so he could decipher it while...
The time the toilet blocked and Dan put his arm down it...
The gateposts that they used as gladiator podiums
Our nights out in the Swan
The parties. Simple but effective. 1. arrive and chat 2. drink lots of beer in the Swan 3. go home 4. turn the music up and dance manically on the furniture 5. retire to bed (optional)

More content needed

I'm determined to keep this blog alive, come hell or truck breakdown. But I can't think of anything to write. Help, please. The only Jerome topics I can think of are:

When Jerome once got his willy out in the Green Dragon (ahem), the ex-landlady, who was given a broomstick as a leaving present, looked up briefly from her game of cards, casually said, "It isn't very big, is it, Jerome" and carried on playing.

The fact that Jerome is always right and there is no point in arguing. I don't say this in any begrudging way. If you get into an argument with him about most things, particularly transport or your emotional state, you generally find that he knows the answers much better than you do. So don't.

The saga of the knees. Related to the giraffe picture posted below.

If Jerome stopped wearing O'Neill clothing, would the company go bust?

South Africa beckons this summer.

Does he ever answer his phone?

The amazing ability to create his own myth and believe it.

He should really be called Jerome "Niagara Falls" Francis. When I used to stay at the lads' house in Oxford, my room was next to the bathroom. I will say no more.

Jerome's clothes.... a topic I have briefly touched on in this blog, but there is so much more to say.

The stag night story, always a good one for blagging free journeys on trains.

The cases of CD singles

The worship of the Hutchence

Top Trumps

Scrabble

Cider with Ice. Why?

Why?

Why?

A picture of a giraffe

Banjaxed is the latest word

After the tequila drinking game at the Green Dragon Christmas party, Jerome and several others were banjaxed. Don't know where the word comes from and I'm not sure of the spelling, but it's a very good Jerome word.

Jerome will move to Brum at the end of January

There are plenty of driving jobs in Birmingham.

All the way from Hastings to Didcot.

I haven't seen Jerome for a while so I haven't got much to add to the blog, so here is a short Jerome anecdote.

Jerome is very proud of driving all the way from Hastings to Didcot - not a particularly impressive achievement, you might think. But when you know that he needed a wee in Hastings, and through superior bladder control, managed to hold it all the way to Didcot, I am sure you will be mightily impressed.

Rence/Dan - is this too mean?

New description of Jerome's blog

Jerome (and Dan - next) are two of the nicest lager drinking, babe luvvin, footie watching, Loaded reading lads you could ever have the good fortune to meet. When I spend time with Jerome the straight boy side comes out and I almost find myself doing somthing really awful like playing Basketball or getting involved in a drinking game that involves stripping and running stark bollock naked down the highstreet. Although he likes to pretend otherwise, there is a heck of a lot going on in his noggin. Although Jerome's blog is not exactly a regular affair teeming with content, the reason that it makes me laugh so much is because most of it is actually written by Marv, who from time to time gently tries nudge him into writing something himself. Like a proud mother doing her son's homework for him.

Ode to Jerome - (to be sung to the tune of Wild Rover)

I rule monopoly, I'll crush you you're weak,
And I sound like a horse when I'm taking a leak.
And I love the ladies
And the ladies love me
Perhaps they have heard me while having a wee.

Well some of my friends say that I look like Shrek,
Or a fat Eminem but do I give a feck?
Cos I love big trainers
Big, silver and loud
Oh I love big trainers, of big trainers I'm proud.

Now I've taken to wearing three hats at a time,
A baseball, a beanie and hood ev'n inside,
But I'm not adolescent,
Not adolescent no more,
But I'll get me a skateboard so that I can wear four.

Last September, we all went to Jerome and Dan's birthday party, wearing our best clothes

we even wore our best pants
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

There was a theme

Jerome looks like a pink caesar and themed pink pants
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

The theme was not 'camp Roman' (please note silver trainers)

jerome in pink toga
Originally uploaded by mcar.

It was very exciting

it was all very exciting
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

Jerome and Dan reminded us of the joys of dance

Dsc00010
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

the sheer joy of dance

the sheer joy of dance
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

even perhaps too much dance?

ohdear bit drunk
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

And we remembered to be polite, no matter what we were wearing

clare applauds politely although wearing silly clothes
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

You should still remember your manners even when you are wearing silly clothes.

And there was a prize for the winning outfit

the pink prizewinners
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

And we played games

Helen is a fat tired batman but this is not an insult in this context
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

And Russ won the prize for the best outfit

russ with caroline in the background
Originally uploaded by Marvin Marblesons.

Even his drink is pink!

We hear and obey

Jerome used to rule our social life. On a Friday or Saturday night, when we still lived in Hobbiton, he would order our cab to the local hotspot (please, Dan or Jonathan, help me with a Lord of the Rings equivalent for our local market town). Then he would ring our house:

Phone rings.
"Hello"
"Taxi's booked for 8.00. Get in the bath NOW!"
Phone goes dead.

Mr Whippy

Jerome is sporting the softest, least spiky Mohican I have ever seen.

Innovation

Jerome has reintroduced lager and lime to Bywater.

Anxiously awaiting his arrival

Jerome's friends are currently in a state of nervous distress as they anxiously await his arrival in Kings Heath. He is currently "on the road" somewhere along the A435 t'wards Little Stow on Bridgehamptonfordshiretonwick. We have cleaned and tidied and his presents are awaiting him.

[twiddles thumbs]

Use The Force

It's about six months since I saw Jerome, and we're at opposite ends of the planet. Despite this I still can't play a single pool shot without his voice appearing in my ear, telling me what to do.