Jerome's tackle

Following on from Marv's post I will be seeing Jerome tomorrow (New Year's Day) and I have a very new and expensive digital camera with me. For those of you who have not witnessed afore mentioned streaking I will try and coerce Jerome into doing and I will photograph it for posterity. That way you can all see it and he will not have to do it again - we, his friends, can just direct people to this blog.

Beyond Truth or Dare

A long time ago, Jerome came to a little party at my house in London. (the pink one I shared with Kester). We played Truth or Dare, and someone dared Jerome to run naked down the street. The someone had met Jerome for the first time and didn't know the law. There is no point daring Jerome to do things like that. It's like asking an Olympic runner to win the Fathers' race at Sports Day. Jerome thinks nothing of getting his bits out at any opportunity and we have all seen them so often that it's not outrageous and nobody cares.

So Jerome stripped off, ran down the street, and came back. All the people who hadn't met him before were very impressed. All his close friends were talking among themselves.

Says Jerome, "I met a really nice bloke just now. He was a taxi driver. He saw me running naked down the street and asked if there was anything he could do to help."

Jerome's state of health

Jerome has spent his Christmas in traditional Bywater style. I saw him after the Green Dragon staff party, when his eyes looked very tired. I also saw Yolanda, who said she felt rather unwell too. "At least you look better than Jerome," I said brightly. "On the day you see me looking worse than Jerome, please shoot me," she replied.

They are so well suited.

More freight on rail

Just thought I'd mention it.

Jack's Sore Arse Saves Day!

This is one of my favourite Jerome stories, told to me by Mrs Caroline Vale. I was in a dilemma about whether it was too cruel until I read the Buddha's tooth story, and Jerome can always log on and delete the post if necessary. Here goes.

Jerome goes into hire car office to pick up motor to take us all on some crazy adventure. The lady at the desk asks him for some suitable ID, but he's forgotten to bring anything. He rummages through his wallet for a while, as a queue develops behind him, then asks loudly, "WILL MY PRESCRIPTION FOR PILE CREAM DO?". Apparently this unorthodox ID will do nicely, and the paperwork is completed, and the keys handed over. Jack struts happily out of the office, and is even thoughtful enough to reassure the assembled customers "IT'S OK, THEY'VE CLEARED UP NOW!"

Happy Christmas from Jerome

Happy Christmas to all the underlings, the dullards, the many people I beat at games of skill and chance, the people I splash driving round corners, the people I deliver foam to, the people i pick up foam from, my friends, my family, the good folk of Bywater, the Shire, the people who make Jack Daniels and Scrumpy Jack (i've never noticed the connection there). Happy Christmas to O'Neill, who manufacture my clothes, to the Eyston Arms and Tesco, who cook my meals, to Dan Bashford, Tom and Anna Riggs, and Matt Broersma, to my A list friends, to all the folk I charm, annoy, and help untiringly in moments of extreme crisis or moving house. Happy Christmas to all the people whose parties and holidays I organize and attend.

Happy Christmas to Jerome from his blog staff. All we want for Christmas is you!

Shameless recycling of old material

1 The silver track suit and silver trainers (the trousers have press studs at the sides for quick flashing)
2 the Libertys flowery skirt and the green hat, worn with Converse boots
3 the surfer hair
4 my mother's Marks and spencer skirt, worn at chest level as a dress(tried on in a brief moment of drunken madness)
5 the Posh spice black dress with shaved armpits
6 the Dennis Rodman vest
7 the date box trainers
8 the blue YSL blazer, gives a handsome normal air which makes the rest of the list seem like a hideous dream
9 The superman outfit (thank you Clare)
10 The red and grey baggy jersey shorts

Jerome and the Buddha's tooth

Says Jerome to Marv "Marv, you're a Buddhist, aren't you?"

Marv replies, "Umm er well, my mother is very interested in Buddhism."

Jerome (very pleased), "I've been to the holiest Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka where they have a Buddha's tooth. And you haven't. Ha ha ha."

New tactic

In yet another attempt to find something to post on Jerome's blog, short of writing his life story myself, I have asked a few loyal friends and relations to become members. So watch out for new posts from Messrs Bashford and Riggs and enjoy the fine words of Mr Kinsey, kindly posted below.

Get writing, folks. This is your chance to dish the dirt. And you need a lorry the size of Mr Francis's to carry it all.

New contributor

My name is Christopher. You may know me from my blog Everything Is Not Real. If you don't know me, then go now and read it and learn. LEARN damnit! I am 32, a male, homosexual, a libran. I love men who show their feelings and aren't afraid to cry. Etc. And I like unicorns.

Anyway. Anyway. Marv and I are not letting this drop. In years to come we will no doubt receive some kind of award for service to humanity, for keeping this blog alive. Incase you didn't know this is the story of Jerome. Jack. Whatever you want to call him. Sometimes we, his friends say to him "Oi! You lazy slob! Get off your arse and write something!" We mean it affectionately, but often times we are met with a simple expelling of wind from some such orifice.

But the point is, Jerome / Jack, does have a story and oh what a funny, rambunctious one it is. So, until he gets off said lazy arse and does write something it is going to be up to Anna and I to pen it.

But it's late and I am tired. So I'll start with something small.

The first time I met Jerome he was surfing on an ironing board, semi naked, in a quaint little square in Bath. Outside, incidentally, the same house that inspired Charles Dickens to write "The Old Curiosity Shop". True. And then he tried to get into bed with Ann and I. Only he couldn't because we "made big" in the nick of time.

Stay tuned!

Tactics

I will briefly explain the various tactics I have used to provoke Jerome to write something on this blog:

1 Writing things that are blatantly untrue
2 Writing things that are true but that he might not like people to know
3 Flattery
4 Insults
5 Stealing emails from him and putting them on the blog
6 Drunken persuasion
7 Sober persuasion
8 Silence
9 I haven't tried posting something every day, but I might do that over Christmas

One day we will hear the Master's voice. The great one will speak. I have faith. (this comes under category 3).